THE ONION MOVIE (2008)
Directed by Tom Kuntz and Mike Maguire
Starring: Len Cariou; with Steven Segal, Gedde Watanabe, Michael Bolton, Ken Takamoto, Kate Fuglei, Ahmed Ahmed, others
If you own a computer that has access to the Internet, you know about The Onion. What started as a satirical newspaper publication on the University of Wisconsin campus has grown into “America’s Most Trusted News Source.” Strange, considering their banner headlines, regarding:
World Events: “German Jews Concerned About Hitler’s ‘Kill All Jews’ Proposal”
Politics: “New Medical Procedure Allows Dick Cheney to Feel Love”
Sports: “Soccer Officially Comes Out as Gay”
Religion: “Pope Condemns Three More Glands”
Local News: “Reganomics Finally Trickles Down to Area Man”
Sure, news parody has been done many times with Comedy Central’s The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, and before that, HBO’s Not Necessarily the News (remember that one? No?) But all of them owe a big debt of gratitude to The Onion (who also owes a huge debt to Mad and National Lampoon and Saturday Night Live, but that’s an argument for another time).
It was only a matter of time before this last bastion of print media finally made its way to the Big Screen. Except, that time hasn’t come yet, since The Onion Movie was released direct-to-video.
Don’t expect much in the way of plot here. Where The Oinion’s web site focuses on spoofing not only the day’s events, but also the media that report them, The Onion Movie uses the news parody format as a springboard for sketch comedy, in the vein of Kentucky Fried Movie or The Boob Tube. What little plot there is centers on newscaster Norm Archer (Cariou) as he tries to deal with the corporate takeover of his newscast by Global Tetrahedron, who insists he shill for their new Steven Segal vehicle Cock Puncher. And to answer your first two questions: Yes, that really is Steven Segal, and no, he doesn’t fight roosters.
The sketches are pretty hit or miss. Among the highlights – an Armed Gunman who breaks into a bank and demands a job; A Goofus and Gallant-style training video for suicide bombers; The Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roast, where the roasters lack any kind of tact or subtlety; and, of course, the Cock Puncher trailer. Menachem Golan would be proud of that one.
The lowlights – A “whodunit” party kit that features a rape instead of a murder; a basketball player who blames Jesus for a lousy game; a man who buys a computer that becomes obsolete before he even gets it home (computer jokes never get old, do they?); and the “outtake reel” that features stuff “too extreme” to be included in the movie. So they wait till the very end to show a TV chef deep fry a kitten and a nun drinking…well, just think of the most disgusting thing you could ever imagine anyone drinking, and then multiply that by 100. It’s worse than that.
George Carlin said, “It is the job of every comedian to find out where the line is drawn and deliberately cross it.” The Onion, whether on the web or on film, certainly subscribes to that rule. Call me a prude if you want, but I actually think they’re funnier when they exercise a bit of discretion. If you’re genuinely good a being funny, then you don’t need to sink to the bottom of the barrel for laughs. Too many comedians do that already, and just because one is better at being disgusting than someone else doesn’t make them any less disgusting.
But this still doesn’t keep me from checking their website every day; first, for the news parodies, and second, to find out when Cock Puncher is coming out. That movie’s gonna rule!
